by Dr. Karen Sherman www.drkarensherman.com Dr. Karen Sherman offers information to help couples deal with potential relationship difficulties. Speak Up You have found your soul mate - the person with whom you are truly comfortable, the one who accepts you for you, a mate who understands you. This is your perfect match, the one who knows you the best. When you find the partner with whom you can feel emotionally intimate, all of these sentiments become true and allow you to have a meaningful relationship. However, this could lead you into the trap of expecting more, something magical. You assume that if this other person knows and understands you so well, your needs and wants do not have to be expressed. After all, that is what has been portrayed in the movies and romance novels. This faulty thinking is usually (though not always) something that women expect. “If he loves me, he’d know that this is what would make me happy.” “If he really cared, he never would have done this.” When people are close, they often are so familiar with each other that they get a sense of what is important to one another. But a “sense” does not mean mind reading. In truth, no one can possibly anticipate everything about another person. In order for a relationship to function well, a variety of good communication skills are necessary. The first, and key, skill is to talk rather than be silent. To withhold sharing with the expectation that fulfillment without the exchange of words means love and caring is only going to lead to disappointment and future problems. Have realistic expectations of your partner rather than holding on to a fantasy of what determines love and caring. Tell your partner directly what you would like. Present your thoughts with “I” statements as opposed to making your partner feel pressured that they must do what you want or else. As an example, say, “I need…” rather than “Why don’t you…” Ask if your partner is able to respond to your request. If he or she says “no,” it is okay to ask why (as long as the question is not posed in an accusatory way). By doing this, it allows for better understanding between the two of you. It also avoids further assumptions on your part that will probably lead you to think he or she doesn’t care. Accept that your partner has his or her own needs, wants, agendas that may get in the way of meeting your wants, needs, and agendas. This allows for respect within the relationship. Be honest and true in expressing your feelings and needs while being mindful of the feelings and needs of your partner. Copyright © Dr. Karen Sherman www.karensherman.com