by Dr. Karen Sherman www.drkarensherman.com Dr. Karen Sherman offers information to help couples deal with potential relationship difficulties. Quick Guide To Mother-In-Law You may have heard the expression that you are marrying the man, not his family. Sad to say, that is not really true. When you marry, you acquire his entire family - to some degree. How smoothly this merger proceeds will depend on many factors. Different families have different values. In some families, the members function very independently and each person’s individuality is accepted and respected. You will be assimilated into the family circle, and everyone will make the necessary adjustments to include you and your way of doing things. In others, however, the family members may be very close knit and have certain expectations of each other. These expectations may include that holidays be spent together, that special events be celebrated in a certain way, and that important news be dispensed to the family members in an established order. The blending of two family styles through the bond of marriage can be a difficult adjustment. Perhaps, the toughest adjustment will be with your spouse’s mother. There’s got to be a reason why so many comedians make mother-in-law jokes. It’s a difficult time for you because you already have your mother. Adjusting to a second mother can indeed be stressful. But it’s also a hard time for your mother-in-law, as she most likely is feeling a sense of loss - the old story of the difference between having a daughter and having a son. Rare is the son who stays as involved with his mother as he had been prior to his marriage. This can be extremely difficult for his mother to accept. Try to look at the situation through her eyes. Being able to understand your mother-in-law’s perspective will help you to make this adjustment. There is one more person that you must consider-your spouse. Again, how easy or difficult this matter is will depend on the particular people involved. For some of you, happily, this will not be an issue. However, the rest of you will find that you and your husband will be at odds when it comes to matters of the extended family, especially his mom. After you are married, you will probably expect that your needs will be considered first. If your husband continually defers to his mother’s wishes or always seems to put her first, conflicts may arise. Obviously, each situation is unique. It is not possible for me to give definitive guidelines on how to handle every individual issue. It is important to bear in mind that different people see things differently. What might look like an uncaring attitude on the part of your partner may be nothing more than a result of how he was raised. To take a stand, argue, or insist that you come first is not likely to lead to resolution of the dispute. After all, this is his mother. And if your husband does not see your point, it may become an emotional issue for him. Very often, a man ends up feeling like he is in the middle between his wife and his mother. So how do you deal with this? Understand that your husband is different from you and may not see everything the same way you do. Rather than insist he back you up, let him know you understand his point of view. Be as open-minded as you can. Talk about it. Once your partner feels understood, he will be much more receptive to your side of the issue. Copyright © Dr. Karen Sherman www.karensherman.com