by Dr. Karen Sherman www.drkarensherman.com Dr. Karen Sherman offers information to help couples deal with potential relationship difficulties. Apples and Oranges We have all heard so much about how we must understand the differences between men and women; how the different styles will impact the relationship. So, too, have we learned to be aware of the variations in upbringing that influence how we behave with our partner. For some of us, those variations are even more striking because we are of different ethnic or religious backgrounds. No doubt, depending on your particular families, there will have been a greater or lesser degree of acceptance. Perhaps, the wedding plans required some attention to “extra” details so that no one would be offended. If you are newly married, or about to be, you have hopefully handled the obstacles with success. Being able to smooth over the rough spots brought about by the differences in your backgrounds is, in fact, an important achievement. However, it is only the first of many milestones in your future as a “mixed” couple. Your partnership is unique because the differences are more obvious. A great many of the issues that will arise will be in regard to children. Will you raise them with one particular religion or will they celebrate both? How will you handle discussion about why the two of you do not have the same beliefs? If you decide to honor one faith, how will you pay respect to the partner of the other faith? If handled well, you can offer your children a very valuable lesson about respecting others even when they are not the same as you. Aside from following specific rituals consistent with one religion, there are also cultural differences. Here are some examples: some cultures pay great respect to elders, the way people greet one another may vary, there may be significant dietary restrictions, or there may be very specific ways which are deemed correct for presenting oneself in public. In the early stages of a relationship, these variations may seem intriguing. Unfortunately, like other aspects of a relationship, the “glow” fades and the very behaviors that were once intriguing can potentially become a problem. Certain cultures are not raised to view women as equal to men. So, as an illustration, can you imagine how this cultural variation, which is truly no more than a difference in upbringing, could interfere in your relationship when you are working hard to move up the corporate ladder and are rarely home for dinner, let alone preparing it? Though coming from different faiths or ethnicity can be a bit stickier because of the emotionality, it is truly just another difference. It must be responded to like other gaps: be open to talking about it be willing to listen and learn about your partner’s needs maintain a willingness to compromise. Copyright © Dr. Karen Sherman www.karensherman.com